Giving Up? Maybe not...

It’s 20 minutes to 2 o’clock in the afternoon now. Waiting for the next class to start… Everybody is busying their own things. Students from the other class are having fun taking pictures together. My class, half of it is missing. Because they are skipping the class as the lecture is not teaching and there will only presentation throughout the class. That’s why they left. Another group of students were quarantine because one of the students in the group was infected with H1N1 virus. So, they will be missing for a week. Unfortunately… Well, due to this, more than half of the class is missing. I guess the lecturer is going to be mad. Nevertheless, some of the students were a bit upset about their marks for physics test 2. Some had gain as some had degrade in marks. I had gain, that’s the most important thing that I care for. Lately, I had found that we can’t compare ourselves with other. Let says, last time, my marks is lower than his. And then, this time around, my marks is higher than him. This doesn’t mean that I have improved, no. Now, I want to change my thinking. To improve is to get a higher marks than my previous marks for the same subjects over the same total marks regardless of the different in difficulty. That is what is improving. To compare to yourself is better than comparing to any other people in this world. Once you keep improving, one day, you will triumph everyone in this world. My math is not good, and my grade is going down and down from one chapter to another. God present an opportunity for me to change that fact. The math test is the last test in the final exam. It means I have a longer period of preparing for it. For people who did not do well in the physics exam, I understand the feeling of beaten, it was how I felt for my math. Don’t give up just because you don’t understand the subject, don’t hate the subject because it’s hard. Take it on as a challenge. As something meant impossible but make it possible. Love it because it’s something that you don’t know. Love it as something that you can learn new things discover new knowledge. That way, no matter what, you can do it. Another thing I want to specified, knowledge is not limited. When human studies everything that we had ever known, we try to discover new things, new knowledge. It’s human nature. So, don’t plan to stop studying. If you think so, then there’s only one word to describe you, “lazy”. Education is endless. There is saying in Chinese, it means you learn as you age.

Long distance relationship?

It has been almost three months now, that I have been here. The semester is coming to an end and the final exam is coming. To me delight, everything here had gone pretty much acceptable. Life is full of freedom, and my studies are just fine. Unfortunately, my relationship isn't heading the same way. It's decaying over the past three months. Our relationship had only got worst from time to time. I can feel that it'scoming to an end. However, I don't want to. Lately, we had a lot of arguements. Some were my fault ans some were her's. Although I knew that it has gone really bad, I still don't want to end it. Or is it that it already ended. Just now, we had another arguement. To be honest, it's a silly arguement. I'm going back to Penang at the 28th. She asked to see or meet me just for a while when I am back. I said I'll try but no promise. I have a few reasons. First, maybe I don't even have the time to go out as I need to prepare myself for the final exam. Second, I don't have any transportation, therefore, it would be a problem for me to go out. Yes, I did say that I am going to meet my friends when I am back. But I'm not sure about that either. It's the same situation for her as it is for them. I am not being one sided here. However, she didn't think so. She thought that my studies are too important compare to her. She thought that meeting my friends is a must but meeting her isn't. Yup, maybe it is my fault. I shouldn't tell her that I am going back. I saw this coming, but still I don't want to hide from her that I am going back. She also thinks that the purpose of going back it's not because of her but because of something else although she didn't mention it. But the main point is this, I have no purpose of going back. I would actually prefer on staying here. I wouldn't need to rush to the bus station with my hands full of bags up and down. I am going back simply because my dad ask me to. He said since monday is a holiday, why don't you come back and he'll pay for the bus ticket. Well, I was thinking, since he is paying the bus tickets, and going back to hometown meaning I don't have to spend on my meal, then it's a deal. It's never because of anything that I decided to go back.

Because of all these. She thought that it would be wise that she leave me. She thought that she is a pain for me. She thought leaving me would make my life better. I just don't understand why she thinks so much of everything. I just don't get it! She also told me that whatever she did is for me. Well, leaving me isn't one of it. So, it's a bullshit talk. I just don't know what to do now. Maybe I'll just keep silent and see how she is going to deal with it. Or perhaps, she already decided to leave me... Like I said before, she is becoming stronger and stronger as in terms leading the relationship. I wouldn't like that... .. . I want females who needs mens, but not taking mens as something that they can own... I'm sorry, but if she has the will power to leave me, I don't have any to stop her. Mainly, it's because that's what she wants, but not what's for me...

Why do I work so hard?

Yesterday, I went to Old Town at Jaya One opposite my campus to have my dinner, alone. It’s nothing special, just thought of eating curry mee because I missed it a lot. I stay there to do some surfing for some time and chatting with my friends through msn. I left at around nine like that. So, I went for a walk around there. There’s a lot of shops there. Old Town, Station 1 Café, Nando’s, Secret Recipe, Starbucks, Coffee Bean, Wendy’s and so on. Actually, it’s kind of something much similar to E-gate at Penang, but much more bigger and more shops. While I was walking around, I saw a car but not any ordinary car. In fact, it’s the first of its kind that I have seen. It’s a Porsche 911 GT2. A stripped down light weight and more powerful version of the 911. I guess it cost around 1.9 million or more perhaps. It’s white so it’s damn nice with its big dark wheel and big operating spoilers along with 2 big exhaust to add to its beauty. It’s so low, so low that the roof just bare reach over my waist. I love this car, it’s the kind of car that I want to be in, to be seen in. I want to own one in the future. This is the kind of stuff that drives me mad, to work hard for the future. It’s not about pride of richness sometimes, I just love these kind of stuff and the way I’m going to get it was to work hard on myself, to earn enough money to own things like this. KL is much like an inspiration to me. Because at here, it’s very common to saw cars like this. Yes, I did saw a few Porsche already, but nothing like this one. In penang, you can see it too, but not that often. Seeing these kind of things inspired me to work harder and not to give up how hard whatever it is. To much of my awareness, nothing is impossible for me. In my pursue to success, I found out that the limiting factor in me is my determination. If I work harder in anything, I could do it eventually. But sometimes, things are just too messy and too hard, driving me to give up on it. After seeing that car, I told myself that I would do anything to own one of that. I burnt it into the memory of my mind just to remember how the car looks like in real life. And before I went to bed, my mind has a number on it which I set before starting on this semester, it’s 3.9. It’s the CGPA that I want to score in my foundation. And last night, I fall asleep with a big dream ahead of me, not knowing it will come true or not… .. .

Done with one week, here comes next week...

Just done with my chemistry test. Frankly, it's not hard, just hoping that there's not careless mistakes. The same goes for my physcis test. So, this week have been a very very busy week indeed. Previously, there should be an English test on Wednesday, but then it was cancelled. And then there was a presentation on Thursday. Because of this presentation, I spent a lot of time preparing for it, the points and the slide shows, who will be the first, second and third speaker, it's a debate by the way. So, I have to prepare the questions that we need to ask them in part 2 as well. Unfortunately, I had to do almost everything with the help of CS. Without him, I wouldn't even have the time to do my revision on my Physics and Chemistry test. As for the other two teammates, they weren't helpful at all. One of it, as the first speaker of the debate, I asked him to prepare his speech. The next day I asked him for his part of speech, he said he haven't done it yet. I asked him to done with it as soon as possible. And then he asked me when do I need it, so I told him by the presentation of course. Then, he told me he'll give me by that time. So, how are we going to discuss? We can't! I don't know what was he thinking about. In the end, he did pass it to me, which is by Thursday, the day that we presented. However, I would need to change alomost everything for him. It's barely useful. We went to Starbucks to do our last discussion. So, there were four of us. Instead of doing the work together, half of us were working on it, and half of us weren't. What the other half did was study and playing online game on the spot. Being a leader of the team, I could actually scold them for not doing their work. But then, I am not such guys. I don't want people to look differently on me just because of this. I held firm. After all, this is the last thing that I have to do with them already. So, I thought I would just get over with it.

The next day, the debate. Part 1 of it was very simple as we just went on with our prepared speech. As for the opposing, it was kind of funny for what they did. Their leader, was trying to oppose on my points. He opposed so much that he didn't have the time to stress on his own points. In the end, he ran out of time before completing his own points. As in part 2, it's open debate and questions were being asked. Ok, the debate was actually soft copy versus hard copy . And my team in on soft copy. So in part 2, another funny thing was done by the leader of the opponent team again. As I mentioned just now, it's about soft copy and hard copy. But then, in one of his points, he stressed on Global Positioning System(GPS). Knowing that he was out of the topic already, I couldn't go on stressing his points. So, what I did was saying that the motion had nothing to do with GPS or maps. It's about documentation using soft copy or hard copy. In part 2, only the leaders from both team are debating, as for the rest of the team, they were just sitting there only. From here, you can actually tell that who was doing their homework and who didn't.

So, the debate ended. So, I went to Secret Recipe to treat myself. At the same time, did a light revision my Physics for the test next day. Actually I already did the revison in advanced, but then I was afraid that it wasn't enough as for the previous test for my Physics, my score was not satisfying for me. I just wanna do better. About that, lately, I got back my test paper for my math already, it was the second mid term test of the semester. Frankly, I dropped a lot if compared to the first test. As for this, I don't blame myself for it. The chapters covered in that test was pretty hard and I am not good in these 2 chapters. But still, I manage to reach my target that is scoring more than half. I am satisfied but still feeling that I could have done better. Time was my limiting factor. Coming back to my revision. For my Physics, all chapters covered in the test was ok for me except one, the Simple Harmonic Motion. It's not a complicating chapter actually, just a few formulae and equations. But the concept is rather hasty and mixing. I didn't want to give it. So, what I did was that I read the text book trying to understand the concept. It's my best chance. Physics, you know, it's quite special. You either undestand it, or you don't. It's like math. In fact, everything in Physcis is math. To be relief, although I am not good in math, but I'm pretty well in Physics. I'm trying to change myself now. I don't like to study at the last minute or last day. I want this to change. I want to graps every single second to improve myself.

Chemistry test was pretty much as easy as physics. So, all are over now, for the week that is. Next week, there will be English test as well as quiz for Principle of Economics. Besides, there is 2 science report to be done. So, it's another busy week. One week after another, and the work will never come to and end. Life in college is so much different from life at primary and secondary school. But I like the constant busy-ness. It's what life it is when we are in the labout force. And I have four and a half years in doing so, preparing myself for the real deal.

Busy Life

Lately, I have been very busy. So, busy that I don't even know how fast time flies by. The semester is coming to an end soon. Meaning, the final exam is coming and I'll be more busy than ever.

people

I’m feeling very upset now. I don’t know why, I worked very hard very hard, and yet here I am, feeling beaten already before the test started. I’m very down, so down that I gave on trying to improve on it. It just doesn’t work anymore, I don’t know why I can’t get it, I don’t know why I can’t see the solution. I did practice, to improve myself. I did improve, but still not enough. Today is the day I’m sitting for my Math test II and the world is ending on me.

For so many years, I was so good in mathematics. For so many years, I don’t have a problem understand it. But for now, that was then, not anymore. I still understand the working and the solution if I see it. But I can’t see it on my own anymore. I can remember the formulae, knowing how to apply, but not knowing when to apply and where to apply. I’m frustrated, dissapointed and my determination is running down. I came here aiming for CGPA of 3.9 and here I am, can’t even solve some simple mathematic question. I want to get to my target, my way of getting there is by hardworking, but I just can’t reach it. It’s really stressing me out. Giving the condition I am in now, I will only fail myself. Although this isn’t an option, I don’t have any option besides this…

In my class, there’s a variety kind of person. Hardworking, smart, honest, talkative, lazy, and worst is dumbass person. During my assignment, I have found that not all students are aiming high and they aren’t performing at their best. When asked to do something, simply they will do. I have these kind of friends in my group. And to be honest, I hate them a lot right now. I meant it! Because of them, I had to do the assignment, to do the assignmnet almost all by my own. Because of this, I have no time to study, no time to do revision, to practice on more exercise. Such person is Adrian. He’s from Sabah, not a bad person. The problem is that he don’t take things seriously, didn’t care about the assignment. The work he has done for me is merely just a copy paste from the webpage. It can’t be used, I had to redo and time is needed. Sacrifice had to be made. Another one is Shen Wei, from Melaka, also a nice person just like Adrian. In priciples of economics assignment, I assigned him with Adrian to do on a particular question. I got their work after a week. From there, I know that it’s not their work. Again, it’s a copy and paste from the Internet. Out of more than 900 words, only less than50 can be used. The rest, I can call them irrelevent point, but I wanna stress that it’s all rubbish. I told him that he did not contribute to the assignment. He answered me that he did. So, I told him about Adrian and his work. What he answered me hurts me a lot. This is what he answered: “It’s you who don’t want to use the other point in their work”. I told him it can’t be used, and doesn’t related to the topic. Because of these people, I had to do the assignment myself, and this is how they thank me.

I have a friend, Mel, from the same state as I am. She is experiencing the same situation as I am. I pity her a lot. Same like me, she had to do the assignment for all of her teammate, for 2 assignment. It’s a lot of work and needs a lot of time. Researchs are needed, and ananlysis need to be done on it. It takes weeks not days. At the end of the assignment, we have a part where each of us will give a mark for the other four teammates. The points range from lowest 1 to highest 5 based on contributions to the assignment. So, for her, it’s only fair to give them 1 mark. As for them, which do not have moral value, they gave each other 5 marks. I don’t know how thick is their face or what it’s made of, but it’s ridiculous. Mel determined to give them from 1-2, I wasn’t sure about this. So, there is one useless jerk from her group. He is our class representative. He is older than most of us. Why? Because he had done his form 6 already. But then he forget to apply for public university. So, his parents which is hawker must pay for his college fees now. How responsible is this guy? So, in thie assignment, from what I can tell, he is much useless than useful. However, this particular guy doesn’t feel satisfy when my friend, Mel wanted to give him only 1 for the contributions. It will affects their marks for the assignment. Indeed, Mel is being harsh on them, but to me it’s necessary. To these kind of people, you need to be. So, what he did is that, I heard from Mel, he said the rest of the team can be harsh to her too. By giving her only 1 mark for her contributions instead of 5! To me, that’s threatening. And this kinf of people, is more than useless. The society doesn’t need this kind of people.

This world is full of people who take other people for granted. And I curse them to death. It’s almost 2 pm now. And I need to attend my science practical class, after that, I’ll have to face my mathematics test.

Sunday, Tuesday & Today

Ithink sometimes life can be very fair and sometimes it may not be. In other words, it depends. Lately, I had bought something new and expensive for myself. It’s actually a birthday present that I bought for myself. It’s a netbook and I really like it a lot. It’s veru useful when comes to portability and because of its small size, I can put it into a small bag. I felt that I have a need to bring my laptop everyday to school because I need it for study purpose and I really mean it. I don’t bring it to school just to online. Because the notes of my course are all in softcopy form, usually I copy the notes into hardcopy from the hardcopy. So, I need my laptop when I’m in university. After I bought this netbook, I found it to be very useful in my studies. Because of its small size, it doesn’t occupy much of the table space which I need it. Secondly, the battery life last longer too, and that means that I don’t necessary need a plug that often than that of my notebook. This is what I bought from the PC Fair.These are pictures of it. ^^

Okay, now… Tuesday… On Tuesday… Well, it’s not a good day for me. Well, maybe not just for me. Hmmm. We got back our test paper for principles of economics already, and for me, I didn’t do as good as I hope that I would. I felt beaten and lost because I did put effort on it. But I don’t understand why. I didn’t fail it, but then I was really disappointed of myself. Sometimes I blame myself for not working hard enough, sometimes I blame my friends because I had to do the assignment all by myself. But then again, I could have manage my time better. Whichever way it is, it’s pointless crying over a spilled milk. I made a promise to myself, that I’m going to work harder on it, to improve on it. And again, it’s not going to be easy as chaos is coming. Why do I say so? Math exam is on this Friday. On Saturday, my university is having a replacement class for the 31^st of August which falls on Monday. Meaning,I need to attend class instead of studying. Why do I want to study? Because on next Wednesday, I am sitting for English test. On next Friday, I’m going to sit for Physics test. That’s not all because there is another test on Saturday as well, it’s Chemistry test. Next week onwards, I still have to do presentation on Computer Studies which I don’t know when my group will be presenting as the date has not been set. Now, it’s already Week 10 for my semester and it’s coming to an end on Week 14, which means another month or so to go. A study week will be provided, which is one week and then there onwards, it’s the final exam. It’s a constant cycle which is very frustrating. Now, it’s like the end of the world. Luckily, I have my baby netbook to cherish me up! ^^

And for today, I'm quite happy about myself. Because there's a silver lining to my target of 3.9 and above. HMMM !! It's my computer studies! I can say that I was quite satisfied with it although I was aiming higher. Now, I just have to brush up my weakness...